Saturday, 15 October 2016

4am Reality Check - Depression

This is my life some nights,
Most nights I can go to bed at a decent time and sleep until about now usually 4/5am I wake up and come in my craftroom and watch some videos on youtube or watch some programmes on Sky Go.
But some nights I can be just so anxious that closing my eyes actually scares me, so I read a book or play games on my phone, or just lie and stare at the ceiling.
But nights like tonight happen sometimes too where I literally cannot lie down, my brain is literally pounding with so much activity and just thoughts I dont want to have.
Having depression isnt always about wanting to die, it is just about trying to live with minimal pain.
some nights thats just not possible, and at 4am when you have a hubby/partner who works damn hard around the clock to provide for us and a 17yr old with enough worries of his own (who I also believe suffers from mental health problems despite his reluctance to actually be assessed properly) and a carefree and bubbly little man who tries his hardest each and every day to just be the cutie he is, who do you turn to???? No one you sit and cry, go to the bathroom and turn on the taps so that no-one can hear you sobbing (I hate crying infront of anyone) well tonight is one of the latter nights.
I just feel so bloody useless, and I know there are folk out there much worse than me, I know that and I feel for them I really do and this isnt about sympathy or a pity party (cause really I dont cope well with that I will just say aw it was a bad night I am fine now I have slept) I just want people to realise how hard it is living with depression and anxiety it is literally an absolute head feck (sorry for my language but the only way to describe it) 
I have been so active today with producing stuff yet the minute the head went on the pillow the brain starts....
"oh you need to go to Paisley tomorrow"
"You are visiting your parents tomorrow"
"you are visiting Ians sister and the baby tomorrow, my nieces little baby freddie"
"Ian will get annoyed if I back out"
" he made the arrangements to suit me"
"could I be ill tomorrow? a migraine? upset tummy?"
"he cant be annoyed if I am sick"
"why is going to Paisley so bad?"
"dont you want to see your great nephew?"
"what a crap daughter, sister, aunt, sister in law, mother, partner, friend you really are"
"would it really matter if you werent here?"
"Their life would be much easier" 
But then I know
my kids need me, no matter how bad things get, Jayden especially needs his mum, and cannot be without me especially for the fact Ian isnt the best for emotional stuff like hugs and kisses and little kids still need that, even boys.

I honestly wish that somewhere somehow someone would come up with a cure for depression and anxiety and try work out why it happens, I had such a different like back before the kids were born,
and no I dont regret my kids I 100% adore my boys but the kids births triggered PND which I then pushed aside and refused to admit so it went untreated for so long and festered into what it is today.

Anyway I am going to go and take an extra tablet to try and knock me out and at least stop the brain for a little bit and allow my body to rest, which is massively important as having sleepless nights causes my pain levels to escalate through the day which then pulls my mood lower when I am sore.

So please if you know someone with mental health be AWARE
dont tip toe around them you cant heal them but being empathetic and supportive is a huge difference.

And yes I know all too well that depression plays tricks on your thoughts and makes you think people think the worst of you, but usually it is not true it is just the illness.

Big hugs x Karen x

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